During my career in Academia, I have noticed an unhealthy trend among students. It’s not drinking or the latest designer drug, but it can be more harmful than both. The trend is the obsessively self-critical thinking that happens when students do something that doesn’t go “right”. They fall into the judgmental trap of thinking they are a failure or something is wrong with them. We, as a society, are taught from an early age that being hard on ourselves is the only way to make things better... or make us better. We are taught that being self-critical is the driving factor for success. There is a side effect to this kind of thinking. As students find out that they are not the best in class, or that the projects they created don’t receive the applause they think they deserve, many immediately turn to an obsessive, self-critical way of thinking. They bash themselves and judge themselves negatively. As a result, students become more stressed out, feel insecure, become depressed, and question their own self-worth. If not addressed early on, this kind of thinking can make the college experience a miserable time for any student. There is a way to fix this kind of thinking, but few talk about it. One of the greatest keys to being successful in life and eliminating obsessive self-criticism is having Mindful Self-Compassion. Yep, that’s right. Compassion for your “self.” Wait, what? Self-compassion? I know, it sounds somewhat odd to say out loud, but rarely do we consider showing ourselves kindness. We often show friends more caring and compassion than we show ourself. We’ve been trained to be self-critical and self-judgmental. Self-compassion goes against the natural order... or so many think. Some even think that if we are self-compassionate, we are being lazy and complacent. But research has found that self-criticism only sabotages us and produces a variety of negative consequences. According to Kristin Neff, Ph.D., Associate Professor in human development at the University of Texas at Austin, self-criticism can lead to lowered self-esteem, anxiety and depression. Mindful self-compassion, on the other hand, can lead to greater understanding and peace of mind... and yes, personal and professional success. So what is “Mindful Self-Compassion”? Actually, it’s quite simple. It can be broken down into three parts.
1. Mindfulness: Mindfulness is about slowing your mind down to become aware of what you are thinking or doing in the present moment. It involves turning off your autopilot response and noticing what is going on, meaning that you pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without attaching any judgment to them. Being mindful creates a distance between your thoughts or experiences and your reaction to them. It’s almost like observing your thoughts in the third person. You become aware of your thoughts and just notice what’s going on... you don’t sweep them under the rug and you don’t need to obsess about them either. You become aware, make a nonjudgmental note about the thought, (i.e. “There’s Mr. Negative again”.), tell yourself you’re okay, let the thought go, and return to the present moment. Being mindful of self-critical thoughts will help you to be more objective about any emotions that may try to hitch a ride. 2. Self-kindness: Accept that it is okay to be kind, gentle and understanding with yourself when you’re suffering. It’s easy to be loving and kind to our friends. It’s time you do the same for yourself. If you mess up on a test, don’t beat yourself up. Think about why you did badly, then plan on studying more next time or find a tutor. People don’t think your project or assignment is the best? So what. You are learning, and making mistakes is part of that process. Take the criticism as tips on how to do better next time. Accept that you aren’t going to be perfect... no one is. Frankly, I don’t know anyone who is “perfect”... and those who think they are fall into the “ego-maniac” category. That’s not where you want to be. 3. Common humanity: Recognize that you are not alone in the self-criticism struggle. We are all struggling. We often think we’re the only ones to make mistakes, feel rejected or fail. Guess what? We all have these experiences; it’s part of being human. We tend not to discuss our struggles, but if you share your experience with others, I bet you’ll find that they have felt the same way at some point. You are not alone. Talking about it may help to negate the power of negative self-talk and criticism. I know... it’s easier said than done. When you are stuck in a self-criticism rut, try the following mindful self-compassion exercise:
Sit somewhere quiet and pay attention to your breath going in and out of your nose or mouth. Notice how your breath feels as it enters and exits. Stay focused on this for a couple of minutes and then repeat to yourself, “May I be kind to myself, may I know that I am a good person, may I be at peace, may I know that all is well.” Do this for two or more minutes when you feel the negative thoughts creeping in.
This exercise will slow down your thoughts, help train your mind to let go of negative self-talk, and accept that you are okay. For more exercises on gaining mindful self-compassion for yourself, check out the meditations here: A couple notes for the nay-sayers: 1. Self-compassion is not self-pitying. Self-pity is being obsessed and immersed in your own problems and forgetting that others struggle, too. Self-compassion is much different. Being self-compassionate is seeing things as they are —while not giving critical self-talk power. Self-compassion focuses on alleviating suffering while self-pity leaves you rolling in self-loathing. 2. Self-criticism is not an effective motivator. Challenging yourself, recognizing weaknesses and growing from them are productive. However, there’s actually nothing productive or motivating about criticizing yourself. When you criticize yourself you are creating fear of failure and you may wind up losing faith in yourself. Even if you do achieve great things, you’re often miserable because you live in a world of self-loathing and criticism. That doesn’t sound like a very happy world. I wish you the best. Be kind to yourself! To read more articles by Dr. Brian Harke: www.brianharke.com
Follow Brian Harke Ed.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Brianharke Source: Brian Harke, Ed.D., Dean of Students
I love this guy - funny and very clever - haven't trained with him yet but did an NLP course run by two of the trainers who help with his courses - well worth it.
Hi - I am presenting articles here regarding happiness and how to find it for yourself. I do not necessarily agree with everything I post but believe that people should have a wide range of resources available so they can try out things for themselves and make their own choices. Go well. Jennie
Many of us live life on the deferred payment plan. We tell ourselves, I'll be happy when I'm successful, when I'm married, paid off the house, bought that car, saved enough. The rules to happiness only get more complex as we get older, as we compare ourselves to other people, as we reject ourselves, and not live our purpose. This psychological trap guarantees that you will never be happy. The longer you wait to think and feel happy thoughts, the more likely you will think of your unworthiness, and feel miserable for not feeling happy. Most of us are reacting to life like puppets. External events, such as getting a raise, new car, or relationship, signal to us now is the time to feel happy, excited, and love life. Likewise, external events such as getting laid off, car accidents, or divorce, signal now is the time to get angry, frustrated, or pissed off. You are letting external things control how you think, feel and behave. You are acting like a sheep. Obediently taking orders, passively accepting whatever is happening to you, not taking responsibility, and thinking you're a victim. The more passive you are and become hypnotized by these beliefs, the more likely you will think and feel that you are a helpless, and the lower your self-esteem will be. The more dependent you are on people, things, and events to make you happy, the longer you will wait, and probably die unhappy. Many people confuse stimulation with happiness. You might feel stimulated by making lots of money, but that feeling will surely be gone weeks or months later. Happiness is a mental attitude, cultivated in the present moment, and feels like soothing background music, not a concert. Happiness is inner contentment.
You need to do the opposite, and use self-esteem as your weapon. You need to exercise control, responsibility, self-acceptance, assert yourself, and think for yourself. Understand, no one is coming to make you happy. It is psychologically and physiologically impossible because no one can think or feel for you. When you feel happy or any other emotion, who gave you those feelings? It was you. Taking responsibility for you happiness, and emotional needs puts life back in your hands. You become the driver, and not the passive passenger in the backseat. Cultivate this mental attitude. Self-reliance and responsibility are mental habits that you can cultivate. The sheep are the passive recipients of life, waiting for happiness to come to them. The wolves are the ones that exercise self-responsibility and self-reliance, and go after their goals to achieve happiness. Who do you identify with?
We all want to live the life of our dreams, don’t we? However, very few people are truly willing to do what it takes to actually make it happen. There always seems to be some excuse or obstacle in the way and most people aren’t willing to get out of their comfort zone and start doing something different. Changing the way you do things can be the ultimate determinant of whether or not you will change your life for the better and the sooner you realize that the power is in your hands, the sooner you can transform. If you are ready to start living the life you have always imagined for yourself, here are some tips to get you started.
Save More Than You Spend
Having enough money to do the things you want to do in life is huge. Living pay check to pay check is no way to get ahead. Whether you earn a lot or a little, adjust your life to start saving more money than you are spending. Make a spreadsheet on a computer or paper and start tracking all of the money that you bring in and all of the money that you spend each month. Evaluate the sheet and see which of your spending can be cut out or narrowed down. You can use apps or online programs to help you keep track too. Choose a percentage of each pay check (10 percent is a good start) and begin putting it into a new savings account every week.
Get Rid of Bad Habits
While people don’t always like to admit this, everyone has bad habits. Whether it’s watching too much television, sleeping in, being lazy, spending too much money or binge drinking; it’s important to be honest with yourself in recognizing them. It is often these habits that hold us back from doing the things that we really want and many times we don’t even realize it. Take a good look at your habits and problems and start making progress in changing them. See a counselor, go to rehab, hire a mentor, join a support group or start self disciplining with punishments and treats to help you get out of your slump.
Surround Yourself With The Right People
The people around us have a huge effect on our lives, even without us realizing it. Think about the life you want to lead, the job you want to have and the outlook on life that you prefer and find other people who either want or have those things. It’s even better to surround yourself with people who have what you already want so that you push yourself harder to achieve those same things.
Think Positive
There is plenty of evidence throughout the decades that positive thinking can lead to big things in life. Books like The Secret and Think And Grow Rich are popular for a reason as they preach ways to change your life through simply thinking positive. If you keep a healthy outlook on your life and future, tell the universe what you want and keep an eye out for opportunity, it is bound to come along.
Invest in Self Care
An investment of time and money in self care can be one of the greatest things you can do to change your life. Make the time to eat healthy and exercise, take pride in your appearance and tend to your mental health each day. Meditate, spend time with uplifting friends, relax and do the things that you love. Also take the time to continue learning by reading books, watching documentaries, taking workshops and classes that will help educate you in ways that can lead to new opportunities and a career that you will love. Source: Shannon Ullman, Writer, blogger, teacher http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shannon-ullman/how-to-start-living-the-l_b_11923308.html Follow Shannon Ullman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/livesabroad1
For most of my life, I just accepted what came to me. I worked hard and moved through the ranks of my chosen profession. With that plan I did ok. I got several promotions and increased my income modestly over the years. I was a steady, efficient, and capable workhorse. But I was just, OK. I saw people around me and on television who were doing things, different things. The type of things I never considered possible for me. They were building businesses, becoming media moguls, traveling around the world. The only thing I was doing was helping others build their dreams and lifestyle. Mainly because I just didn’t see how someone like me could ever be anything other than just a workhorse. My family, in general, was just that, workhorses. They are a proud bunch that’s for sure but not very entrepreneurial. Most worked the same job their entire lives or at least the same type of jobs and for the most part never left the area of central Alabama we were born. Now I am not saying any of this is bad or wrong; there is certainly something to be said for sticking to your roots. I just knew at an early age it wasn’t for me. Even with that knowledge, I wasn’t doing anything about it. I always held myself back, I never pushed the envelope or challenged the status quo. In fact, I began to mock and degrade those who were trying to do something different. I became a voice of discouragement. Instead of living my dream, jealousy made me want to stop others from living theirs. That all changed a few years ago, I decided that for my family and me to gain everything we wanted and desired, I had to do things differently. That has lead to taking a new job on the opposite side of the country, taking vacations to places I would never have visited before, and becoming a writer that has been published on some of the biggest websites in the world. I am far from where I want to be, but I am on the path, and I can see what I want within reach.
Here are the steps I had to take to make these things begin to happen: I confronted my depression and anxiety- Depression and anxiety will cripple you. By telling you constantly that you’re not capable or even worthy of success. If you are suffering from either or both of these demons, you will struggle to reach any goals until you confront it head on. I found treatment and put myself on the correct mental path to begin accomplishing the goals I had in life.
I stopped being a people pleaser- I grew up only wanting to make other people happy. I always put the needs of others ahead of my own. Again, this isn’t a negative trait in general. The problem was that it began to impact my happiness and well-being. My needs and the needs of my immediate family sometimes suffered due to the fact I was always helping someone else. Generally, these were financial issues, but sometimes it was purely emotional support. I will still help whoever I can whenever I am able, but never again will it be to the detriment of my own tribe. I started selling myself - The one thing I have learned in this process is never to expect that anyone will ever put you ahead of them. Even though I did it myself many times, I found that it was almost never reciprocal. Bosses, coworkers, business partners, and friends will almost always let you down when you solely rely on them to help promote your talents. In business as in life, it truly becomes a dog eat dog world. Sitting back hoping that you’ll be noticed will almost assuredly mean that you will be in the same spot a year from now. You have to take the bull by the horns and push your agenda and your desires for success.
I stopped living others fears - There were many voices, and there still are, that said things like “oh that’s too hard.” or “that isn’t possible.” For most of my life I listened to them, and when I shared a dream, they shot it down. When I finally realized that the advice they were giving was really just their personal fears or even their feelings of regret for not experiencing life to the fullest, I stopped listening. Allowing these life suckers to permeate your thoughts are an instant dream killer. Taking responsibility for your own dreams and goals is the only way they will happen. I stopped just dreaming - As I said, I had a lot of dreams. I knew the things I wanted to do, and I knew deep down what I was really capable of. The only thing I ever did with any of this knowledge was to dream about what was possible. I finally decided that dreaming wasn’t enough to be happy. I started putting action to my thoughts. Less than a year of writing my first article for public view for The Good Men Project, I had been published on sites like Babble, The Huffington Post, Fatherly, and The Libertarian Republic. Thousands of people have read my words, and it just took me finally deciding to take action.
By no means have I reached the goals I have set. Truthfully I don’t want ever to get to a point where I am satisfied. The thing is, now I can see the path clearly, and I know that I do have within myself the ability to reach my dreams. There are a lot of “gurus” out there selling happiness, just remember before dealing with any of them, only you truly have any control over your future.
If there is something you want to do, dream you want to accomplish, or place you want to go. Remember one thing. You can!
